In loving memory of Joseph Sanders
A beautiful, warm, fun and loving son and brother
December 10, 1984 – March 01, 1999
I lay awake at night or even wake up
in the middle of the night trying to fix things.
I get deep into my mind and figure out ways
to make your death not have happened.
Like giving you a hug and an extra one,
just because I love you,
in the morning before you left for school that day.
That evening sitting with you
and listening to your worries
with all of my undivided attention.
Thinking of ways I could have kept you
from leaving the house that Monday night,
and questioning the rope you had in your hands.
Maybe even going back days before you took your life
and giving you back your privileges,
your stereo, and CD’s.
I think of this over and over trying to fix what happened,
but then I’m forced back to reality
and realize I can’t fix this.
Even two years after your death,
at times I still try to somehow change the outcome,
but I can’t and will never be able to.
But as your Mom I will always,
somewhere in my thoughts,
try and fix what has happened
because that’s what moms do,
try and fix things for our children.
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